My outburst

Most, if not all, people don't understand me when I say I have a fight with my mom. "what do you mean, your mom is an angel, why would you ever need to fight with her?" Those who believe me tend to side with her. "I'm sure it was something that you could have done to fix the situation." FOR ONCE, I don't need anyone to side with her or argue that this argument didn't exist, but to simply see from my perspective (however twisted it may be) what it means to fight with someone you love and respect so much.

I've read about these kinds of fights. The typical mother-daughter seperation argument thats bound to occur sometime before the wedding. I guess in a way, I should be happy this argument took place before the wedding, and not, say, on the wedding day. These fights are typical because both sides are incredibly sad that they are leaving each other, and where fear, abandonment, and loss is what we're actually feeling, anger tends to rear its head.

She started out by telling me how everyone in the world has treated her badly in the last few months, especially me. How I was a horrible daughter. How she's embarassed that Myron's mom has three sons who are all excellent but she reared a rotten daughter who can't get her priorities straight. I tell her that I'm sorry if I've been sore or unpleasant the last few months. Its' not like I'm trying to be bad to her, I'm just going through a very difficult time with all the wedding planning, the school, the residency stuff, the board exam stuff. She says she knows I'm busy but she thinks that I should still be nicer to her and my dad, because in a matter of 2 months, I'll be leaving them. I agreed, said I'd try harder, but she needs to understand that I'm not purposefully trying to be mean to them, I'm, again, going through a hard time. Its not liek they're the only ones experiencing loss, I too, and "loosing them" in a sense, when I move away. She says she's a good person and she doesn't understand why I'm doing this to her. Doing what? I yelled, if I don't know what I'm even doing wrong, how can I possibly change? She goes on to tell me that I'm just a bad person and she didn't raise me right. She doesn't know how her and dad are going to survive if their only daughter is rotten and can't give a rats ass about her parents feelings now when she's still under her roof. Surely, this kind of person won't give a rats ass later, when she moves out of her parent's house. I told her (loudly) that if she's going to make up lies about me and believe them then whatever I do to "improve' my rotten behavior won't be apparent to her, if she's already pegged me for being a horrible person. After probably 5 minutes of shouting, that conversation ended there.

I know this was bound to happen. Not necessarily because I'm a rotten person (I've convinced myself thats not true, despite my mom having said it for more than 24 years now) but because seperation is hard for moms and daughters and without allowing the time to grieve the end of our time together, this outburst happened.

If there's one day that I'm hating the most out of the wedding planning ordeal, it's today.

Please, don't comment if you're gonna judge me for what I said. I really need a hug right now, and the closest person nearby is my mom, and she's too mad to talk to me.